New Years with my Sons
As I sit here alone, staring at my thoughts, every single one of them confronts me, face to face.
I don’t know what to do…To hear, to see, to feel, these thoughts, inside my head the final analysis plays out, rolling like a film endlessly. A silent stillness, versus the colorful contrast of young energetic presence of my two beautiful young teenage son’s, with all their entertaining wit, humor, intelligence and fun personalities, constantly evolving on the move and flow, have left now.
This crescendoe is familiar, it’s the end for now, leaving with memories of one of the most wonderful, amazing experiences, since the last time, so long ago. When times intervals waxing and waning, the boys are growing, rapidly changing, transforming from boys to young men, right before my eye’s. I try to do whatever is possible to be relevant when time is lost. Nostalgia becomes my friend, reflections of small boys looking up to me, holding their hands, wiping their dripping nose, preparing school lunches, singing songs and bedtime stories, going for walks, playing ball games…
These reflections play out in my mind like a movie constantly rolling never ending…
like a brightly lite candle,
waxing yet waning,
while the glass is full for a moment,
with my heartbeats and unconditional love,
then irony steps in,
these great moments become fleeting memories,
like that same movie over and over again,
then it comes to an end and,
my son’s have to leave.
I Stumble back to reality;
dizzy and dazed, like cold stone,
a meteorite crashing back to earth,
trapped between two worlds,
two nations heaven and hell,
like a alien, still the outsider,
then gravity eventually rules.
The weekend father emasculated !
Behind my dark mask, shades of irony, shades of joy, dancing in a void, a blank dark black aura prevails again over my face, as the curtain goes down as their absence leaves this home for the other, until the next episode!
Then the melancholy, a disjointed withdrawal you’re anticipating, like a junky that needs his fix. Always after they leave that happy sadness movie plays out again and again; in my mind.
What is the weekend, father…?
You see..We spent the arrival of 2016, New Year’s together, it was monumental though it’s been some years since I can recant experiencing, feeling such an amazing sense of love accomplishment, excitement and joy being with my two youngest, now teenage son’s in years. The juxtaposition is that they are older, a new chapter unfolding while they share the things we’ve missed, as father and sons, we are a family reunited…
Long marathon deep conversations, about school, growing up, about their ambitions and career paths. Their entire plethora of hopes and dreams. I was their role model, for all the lost time, again irony of separation set`s in, living in another town. We crammed everything in these 7 days, as much as possible…our hopes and dreams for the future, where do we go from here…
Now… void, void !
Invalid, incomprehension, disconnect, unplugged..