I feel the cold nightmare of death lurking, its icy indifference shadowing my steps everywhere. Day in, day out, never leaving me a moment’s rest. Cruel in its finality. It is a relentless troublesome companion; close, stifling, leering. It sleeps, yet oh so terribly awake. My very own portable custom-made gallows, staring at me in the bright sunshine, in the cool shadows, always ready, always grasping. I am hounded by a sourceless unshakable sadness. It is becoming an intricate part of my mind, forcing me to try and balance my consciousness on the cutting edge of a knife – Rage on one side, the other, life without meaning. Why? What is going on here? Where did it start?
Last year, everything seemed to move forward. Life had a purpose. I was taking a stand, the goal was to get my book published. Which I have been writing on for some time. Then something happened. The emotional ride, the roller coaster of everything that has been going on these last few years. It hit me, hit me really hard, straight in the gut, my heart, my soul, it broke me…or so it felt. Almost. Darkness roamed, making each day after another a struggle to get through. Getting out of the threshold of my 4 walls, surrounding my increasingly smaller space was an achievement. An endless stream, a river of emotional pain flushed over me, bringing me down from the mountain I was climbing. Tears of not feeling good enough. Struggling to find where the ends met, economically, financially and life wise. It was sucking every inch of life, emotion and love out of me. I became afraid that I had nothing more to give. Tears, moistfull red eyed tears, they all dried up. Now it is enough. Now this has to end. Now !!!
Now I’m picking up the pieces. The broken puzzle. A grown man, a father, a brother, an artist, most importantly a human being. So where is this road out of perdition, this damnation I felt had been brought upon me, had I created it myself. Was it my fault everything, did I do this injustice, did I deserve it, this creation of constant suffering pain? Having asked these questions numerous times, over and over again, what could I have done different. I came to a realization. I have to leave all this behind, but how? By leaving this country, this small town. Leaving my kids behind, and start all over again at this phase in life. NO!!! Though, but what choices do I have? It`s an all familiar human trade. We flee, we move, we run. When life becomes increasingly hard to live. Just think about the reason why people emigrate. How a better prosperous life seems to be somewhere else, and given my former work and experience, I can’t deny that my opportunities here are much more limited. So what to do? The only solution. Finishing the process of what I started and then move forward. YES !!! An undeniable yes, but how?
Looking at my teenage son’s I am reminded of that beauty of being a family, being alive when we are together. I miss seeing them everyday. They are still young, growing, purely honest and in so many ways innocent. I want to embellish them with love, wisdom, care and knowledge. I wish only the best for them, to take away the pain, distress conflict and agony of divorce. My goal to give them the best I can. That is why I must fight for my justice to be a father for my son’s. This is a story that continues, that is very much alive and needs to be told. As each precious day passes, I acknowledge there are other’s like me out there. Many, many more than I ever imagined or knew before this all started. Experiencing that they are denied the possibilities of being a part of their children’s life, denied the right to be a father.
It is my obligation to be the best father that I can to my boy’s in spite of the intrepid obstacles that I have faced over the past 2 decades. A very good friend told me,”hang in there, your story will find resonance among other fathers”, him being one of them. His words and thoughts gave me reassurance that all of it, this blog, this upcoming book, which I will need all the help that I can get to make it happen, will finally come through. “The Journey”. Either through the Kickstarter project to be released soon or through the feedback and support I feel you my readers give, and from other fathers sharing the same kind of pain. I humbly thank all of you, and my few very close friends for being there for me in these past months. Thank you! Belive in yourself !