An over accentuated morning gray sky hung high.
Tight and wide on the horizon.
Suspended indefinitely, no intention, no pun, still; surrounded.
The ambient gray sunlight silhouettes past moonlight light.
Morning in all its glory.
Noble trees played brave notes of Music`s diversity.
Here I am again, standing proud loyal to their heir.
Extended branches, stalwart !
Slick iron arched lamp posts embrace.
The heavy, empty, gray wind wrapping around its shadows of light.
Dancing like a cold invisible man.
The silent morning was new with the same streets.
Gray numbered some black some white.
Named with personalities owning silence.
Day in and out, night after night.
Private mews of characteristic stories.
Flashback, a dream:
My eyes rolled back.
Tightly like a smooth fitted membrane.
A soft velvet glove inside this complex.
A web of trillions of nerves synapses firing away simultaneously.
In the cavern of my brain spaces and places.
Holding beautiful memories like a wet colorful oil painting.
Constantly rolling pictures of my son’s .
This movie flickers on the screen,
Like a swiss watch going off in my head.
What is this wonderful urgent inspiration?
It is that, you?
That urgency when I attend your every need.
The unconditional love.
Seeing your smiling innocent childress boyish face.
Then the wonderment, the nativity in the moment.
Absent answers now, only the mirror is.
Cracked into thousand of pieces.
As memories glued together like some nightmare of an old jacket lost
Hanging in the back of the closet collecting dust
The broken glass, lies on a gray street,
With a heavy gray sky constantly hoping
Waiting for the sunlight to shine again…
Waiting for the sun,… waiting’.
I miss you guys every day that passes… Forever in love…Fathers 4 son`s.
Dear Sons, as you continue to grow up and develop into men, I think of you everyday. The separation of distance between us, makes life very complicated, while we still live in the same country, but in different towns, hours apart. I find this situation quite unsettling for us being a family. Unfortunately due to the impartial custody arrangement I sometimes see it as a hindrance, to our closeness as father and son’s, to build a strong relationship between us
It is important that you know; that every waking day and night, you are in my deepest thoughts and subconscious mind. There is never a time that you are not there. I miss you… I miss your hugs, voices and your smiles, the private conversations, the trust and love we’ve established together. I miss all 4 of you. All the time… I miss the natural connectedness of everyday, a family love. Every second, minute, hour, day, month, years that passes. Time is of essence, in my mind the separation of time cannot transcend the love I have for you, as your father.
The Ship we sailed with to Denmark
In this very complex, challenging, competitive world I understand the importance to share my wisdom and knowledge, as an elder in supporting your challenges, education, social, emotional needs, from being boys and developing into whole healthy young men. You are all four very different versions, uniquely talented, bright, intelligent, ambitious, in your youth and you are an undeniable part of me; it is our Dna that connects us. No nation, flag, societal discourse can argue or refute the genes we share. In fact; it is the glue that makes you who you are, your identity. I am you, and you are me, we are Family. When we meet, I see your changes. It is difficult being a complete part of your experience growing; so I try the best way possible to find the joy of your presence, in the preciously little time we have together.
Copenhagen Railway Station
While coming from New York City, there is a strong desire to succeed for me, maybe it`s a trait given my history and where I grew up. Sometimes against odds when addressing injustices, may even be unpopular, when you are not allowed to criticise; has the connotation of being negative, even upsetting the status quo (Jante Loven). In a place where codes and laws are written, by and for the majority. I hope that you one day will understand that these experiences I went through, since I moved here, it was all for you. I gave it all up, my family and friends in US. My life experiences, education, accomplishments and failures, because I felt the urgency, the importance of being here, it became my priority to be present as a Real Dad, opposed to having a long distance relationship that I saw as impossible and illogical. I just wanted to do the right thing, and be the father I could, knowing that I didn`t want you experience what I had, having a father, who worked in the military and who wasn’t always there when I needed him. And that’s why I did what I had to. Some might say in hindsight that I made a big sacrifice, still I did it all out of love. Everybody makes mistakes, but love conquerors all. I love you guys so much, you mean the world to me.
A street in Copenhagen
For the first time, I travelled abroad for 5 days alone with my 15 year old son to Denmark and Sweden. We sailed with Fjord Line, a regular cruise line connecting Bergen in Norway, with Denmark. In Copenhagen, we camped, rented bikes, and went all around in the city, and met a lot of interesting people. Then later we travelled by railway from Copenhagen to Stockholm and then onwards to Oslo in overnight sleeping train, we even had a shower in our sleeping car and Wi -fi. We were so happy, laughing, smiling all the way to Oslo and back to Bergen. A roundabout train ride for 22 hours. Travel is a great learning experience. Your intellectual antenna heightens, your abilities to learn and interpret new information builds confidence, personal growth and development in a young person . Being in new places, learning new things about life is what I saw for in him for the first time, traveling with my son. He was so engaged, he had never had Dunkin donuts or Kentucky Fried Chicken, so it was some of the fun things that made his experience so special. We both were experiencing the excitement of having a real holiday outside the parameters of home visits.
The plan this summer was to travel with my two youngest sons to the U.S. I wanted them to visit their grandmother who is in her mid-eighties, who has never seen them except from in photos. Their Uncles, Aunts, Cousins and extended family and friends, was hoping to see them too. “Unfortunately” that was denied by the mother; again…like last summer. Sadly their grandfather died last fall… Thinking about it, brings tears to my eyes.
Still he told me, that this trip was the most amazing experience he had ever had, a memory of a lifetime. His eye’s told the story, he was shining. For the very first time, in a very long time, I felt like a whole normal father with my son, having a real summer vacation…
Robert Frost wrote the poem “Acquainted with the night”, it was first published in The Virginia Quarterly Review, Oktober 1928. His rich text poems has parallels, contradictions, complex idiomatic textures, which ironically evoke emotions, symbolic and significance in my life. I choose this poem this to share with you and present one of his great pieces of work, which he left for perpetuity. As an interim blog before a series of some blog posts about Scandinavian and Norwegian culture insights seen from my point of view, experiencing it first hand, where I will include some video. For those who don`t know much about Robert Frost he was born in San Francisco in 1874, he published his first collection of Poems in 1913, 39 years old. “A Boy`s Will” He managed to win 4 Pulitzer Prizes for his work, the first one in 1924, for the book “New Hampshire”. He has been an inspiration for many writers, intellectuals, artists, and many other people who has read some of his work. He is looked upon as one of the greatest writers of 20th century. He died in January 1963.
Acquainted with the night By: Robert Frost
I have been one acquainted with the night.
I have walked out in rain — and back in rain.
I have outwalked the furthest city light.
I have looked down the saddest city lane.
I have passed by the watchman on his beat
And dropped my eyes, unwilling to explain.
I have stood still and stopped the sound of feet
When far away an interrupted cry
Came over houses from another street.
But not to call me back or say good-bye;
And further still at an unearthly height,
A luminary clock against the sky
Proclaimed the time was neither wrong nor right.
I have been one acquainted with the night.
The angry gray winter was another reminder as depression was so near. Where limited daylight, eclipsed by darkness, two competing companions interlock. I peered out at the seven mountains stripped, naked trees standing aimlessly in the icy cold rainy wind, leaving behind a deafening blackened sky. The wind speedball raindrops pelted my window pane below. I fought hard to dismiss emotions, plagued by reflections of brighter days. Days when I could hear the laughter and conversations of my young son’s voice. The time’s of their presence, but for now… thunderous, banging, high pitched winds, and crying rains. There is always an omnipresent, of their energies; although they are 140km away
Crystal clear as the reflection in the mirror. I could see every smile, all the different silhouettes and features, but they are not here; not yet, not now. I feel the warmth of their hugs, their glowing young happy faces, our deep spiritual loving relationship as father & son. Our interconnectedness, a bond has been shattered into thousand of scattered pieces by the impartiality injustices of the system. They are not here..!
“They are not here..!”
These powerful feelings can emerge anytime, every second, minute, hour, day, night, months, year to years. It is present as each breath I take to fight; describes to renounce these reflective emotional images, of that of a mirror that has broken into millions of pieces. Every day‘s challenge to repair shattered glass. Somedays, perilously brave with hope, while other’s are cold, heavy dark, full of doubt and despair. Whence on edge, the peripheral of insanity, I run like hell in the mountains to find balance, in the labyrinth of unknowns.
Hope: A weeks visit,
My 2 youngest are such amazing teens. They both have different styles; an empathy of being kind, considerate, intelligent aware, polite, curious and funny. The sibling rivalry and spates too, but mostly a bundle of joy to experience and learn from always. Yes every parent would express such accolades. Our father & son and family times together are scarce.
My 15 year old and I are in the process of making a film where I am instructing, or teaching in a martial arts video that I have more than 2 decades of proficiency and certification. He has been making films as a gymnast for 3 years now. His encouragement of the film process took me by surprise. He had developed a skilled knowledge and talent for the camera, he had purchased with his own saved money almost 3 years ago.
“Thursday morning shoot.”
My son, was ready at 9:30 am. “Come on, come-on, Dad; we have to go!” “Get up! We’re going to film today.” “This is the last day. You have to do this.” He was filled with conviction, and taking charge. He wasn’t letting me off the hook. He had the location chosen. We collaborated on the script days before, but when we arrived at the location, a gym where he trains, it was all business. He set up his Canon 360 on the tripod, and began directing me. This was an amazing moment.
I hadn’t been in front of a camera for years, but he managed to give me the confidence, and brought back old talent lying dormant. A great deal was accomplished with the time constraints we had. We went home and in a team effort we edited, including dubbing. Mostly all of which he was in full control of teaching me. Still a work in progress, something I am looking forward to be doing as father and son, when he comes for his next “visit”. A monumental achievement to witness, his growth and development.
The reality, is somedays more painful than other’s. It requires great resilience, tenacity hope, or change, prevails… I try and hold back the moist water, rolling down my face, my inner voice cries-out!
“I want to scream!”
I try, to abandon these emotions, look to the future. But how; how? To understand the future you must understand your past. The pain is overwhelming, at times unbearable. I try to forget and live a normal existence. To be a part of your son’s everyday needs, to guide, direct, educate and empower them in an ever complex world is paramount, essential more than ever…?
But what is normal, when all you want to do is be a father, to your son’s? A part of their everyday needs in life. I ponder this question over and over as I find strength in writing these words, hoping that somehow, someway this fight for justice, and equality shall not be in vain..?
Who suffers in the grand scheme when the system, of sabotage or impartiality becomes endemic and in this case, the scales of justice in another country certainly didn’t prevail here for the boys or me. I’ve seen the difficulties of my relationship being deteriorated by the distance, that has been put between my young boys and me. They now live 3.5 hours away from where they were born, and where I live to be close as their father.
Here I Stand With You Wholeheartedly.
Endless Emotions Finds A Way To The Doorstep Of My Mind.
Emerging As A Voice, Of Rage, Confrontation, Question, Disguise, And
Which Face Shall I Wear Today? (Will You Claim)?
The One Of Humanity? Hidden In Compartmentalized Intelligences,
The One By The Door ?
Today The Cracked Mirror On the Wall Has Shattered Dreams Of Yesterdays
Hopes Of Tomorrow’s Future
Shall I Wear My Suit Of Armour?
A Brave Warrior Has No Fear Of The Battleground.
All The Winter’s Of War, Are Cold, Dark, And Heartless.
All The Feelings Are Locked Up Inside
Was It Me Inside Of You, Trying To Get Out, To Free Humanity
Of All It’s Heartlessness?
By: Jose Kendall 2006-08-11/1991
I feel the cold nightmare of death lurking, its icy indifference shadowing my steps everywhere. Day in, day out, never leaving me a moment’s rest. Cruel in its finality. It is a relentless troublesome companion; close, stifling, leering. It sleeps, yet oh so terribly awake. My very own portable custom-made gallows, staring at me in the bright sunshine, in the cool shadows, always ready, always grasping. I am hounded by a sourceless unshakable sadness. It is becoming an intricate part of my mind, forcing me to try and balance my consciousness on the cutting edge of a knife – Rage on one side, the other, life without meaning. Why? What is going on here? Where did it start?
Last year, everything seemed to move forward. Life had a purpose. I was taking a stand, the goal was to get my book published. Which I have been writing on for some time. Then something happened. The emotional ride, the roller coaster of everything that has been going on these last few years. It hit me, hit me really hard, straight in the gut, my heart, my soul, it broke me…or so it felt. Almost. Darkness roamed, making each day after another a struggle to get through. Getting out of the threshold of my 4 walls, surrounding my increasingly smaller space was an achievement. An endless stream, a river of emotional pain flushed over me, bringing me down from the mountain I was climbing. Tears of not feeling good enough. Struggling to find where the ends met, economically, financially and life wise. It was sucking every inch of life, emotion and love out of me. I became afraid that I had nothing more to give. Tears, moistfull red eyed tears, they all dried up. Now it is enough. Now this has to end. Now !!!
Now I’m picking up the pieces. The broken puzzle. A grown man, a father, a brother, an artist, most importantly a human being. So where is this road out of perdition, this damnation I felt had been brought upon me, had I created it myself. Was it my fault everything, did I do this injustice, did I deserve it, this creation of constant suffering pain? Having asked these questions numerous times, over and over again, what could I have done different. I came to a realization. I have to leave all this behind, but how? By leaving this country, this small town. Leaving my kids behind, and start all over again at this phase in life. NO!!! Though, but what choices do I have? It`s an all familiar human trade. We flee, we move, we run. When life becomes increasingly hard to live. Just think about the reason why people emigrate. How a better prosperous life seems to be somewhere else, and given my former work and experience, I can’t deny that my opportunities here are much more limited. So what to do? The only solution. Finishing the process of what I started and then move forward. YES !!! An undeniable yes, but how?
Looking at my teenage son’s I am reminded of that beauty of being a family, being alive when we are together. I miss seeing them everyday. They are still young, growing, purely honest and in so many ways innocent. I want to embellish them with love, wisdom, care and knowledge. I wish only the best for them, to take away the pain, distress conflict and agony of divorce. My goal to give them the best I can. That is why I must fight for my justice to be a father for my son’s. This is a story that continues, that is very much alive and needs to be told. As each precious day passes, I acknowledge there are other’s like me out there. Many, many more than I ever imagined or knew before this all started. Experiencing that they are denied the possibilities of being a part of their children’s life, denied the right to be a father.
It is my obligation to be the best father that I can to my boy’s in spite of the intrepid obstacles that I have faced over the past 2 decades. A very good friend told me,”hang in there, your story will find resonance among other fathers”, him being one of them. His words and thoughts gave me reassurance that all of it, this blog, this upcoming book, which I will need all the help that I can get to make it happen, will finally come through. “The Journey”. Either through the Kickstarter project to be released soon or through the feedback and support I feel you my readers give, and from other fathers sharing the same kind of pain. I humbly thank all of you, and my few very close friends for being there for me in these past months. Thank you! Belive in yourself !
Caught blissfully floating on the trails of Northern Sunsets,
colorful clouds darting.
Emblematic colors, amber blue purple skies sings North.
Constellation rushing Stella by Starlight,
twilight crystal blue persuasion,
a cool summer’s night
moody mood for love.. together we are in love
my heart belongs to you, yours is mine.
Don’t mind me for loving you today,
tomorrow morning and forever,
As the Sun rises its warm arms outstretched,
in love holding hands.
committed to this moment.
Isn’t Love Beautiful.
Stretched out laid out
surrounded in the blue orgone lightforce field,
enraptured captured, wrapped up in passion
dazzled by beauty,
delightful innocence and perfectly indulgent.
Our first kiss, smooth, gentle, easy, naive,
free fall, flying, fearlessly exposed, starlight constellations flashes,
heart beats throbs, heartbeats infinitely in love,
engaged in the act of pure perfection.